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The Walls that Just Kept Building

I have been struggling with deciding about what to write about for a while now. My story isn't about a happy ending, it's about a journey to self. Feeling good enough is something I have had to battle with my entire life. I guess that is why I became this alpha being; hiding my insecurities under my tough skin. At every turn in my life, there has been something I wasn't really proud of. One of them was and still remains my physical appearance. My journey into Christianity has been a constant battle between who God created me to be and who I think I should be. What God wants me to do versus what I want to do. Funny thing is, even though I am no longer a milk-drinking Christian, I still battle with those little things that I think I should be over by now..

Growing up my parents were Christians, but I could not understand the rationale behind my father's Christianity and his constant abuse of my mother or me. Hence, I saw Christianity as a cover up for doing the wrong things. I became guarded, shielded and covered. In addition, the sexual abuse that I suffered from close family friends and neighbors helped further seal the walls that were erected in my heart. I only let people in at the surface level. I was too broken to notice the fact that by "protecting" myself from the world, the only person I was keeping out was God. I was so guarded that I didn't see how much He loved me and how much He had sacrificed for me, so I became locked up in every aspect.

As I grew older; I found myself sinking deep into vices to cover up the pain and hurt that had been created from these childhood experiences. I overcompensated for rejection in many ways, constantly trying to leave God out of my business. I mean I went to church on Sundays but that was the extent of our relationship. Relocating to the United States was an eye opening experience. Although still very bitter and angry at the world, I saw an other aspect of life. Living with my family here, Pastor Joseph and Lolade Siju, helped lessen the burden. Even though I knew I still had to face my past, it was just easier to put it aside and carry on with my baggage.

The first step I took to becoming my best self was going celibate. As I honored God and myself with my body, I became a better Christian and started to build a stronger spiritual life.

As my relationship with God grew stronger, I saw greater breakthroughs in every aspect of my life. I was able to finish school, start my own business, and finally become a citizen. I learned how to fight and win my battles in silence.

When I look back on my life from five years ago to now, God has really transformed me and continues to be patient with me. I still struggle with letting go and letting's journey. I guess one of the faults of being an Alpha Woman is wanting to be in charge and in control of every outcome. Even in my relationships, it is difficult to remain totally hands off, I find myself wanting to change things that I have no control over. My prayer is that God will grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

Adeola Oladele is a strong willed and dedicated young woman. She works as an IT Analyst by day, is the owner of WSBER Events, and blogs at She loves to write and most importantly, loves making an impact. She likes to say that she didn't choose the Alpha Woman life, the Alpha Woman life chose her #SorryNotSorry.

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