The happy kind of exhausted. Who knew those two words could be used together, right?
As I type this, I've got glitter in my hair, surrounded by mounds of wrapping paper, Lego (torture devices that they are!) and my kids who are practicing something that looks eerily similar to a native war dance. It is mayhem but I'm happy that even though so much went down this year (story for another day), I still got stuff done in 2018. I've always wanted to shape the world by writing the kind of heartfelt stories that inspire change. And I thought I had it in the bag until I had my first and everything went tick tock boom! Turns out I wasn't ready for the emotional maturity motherhood required and I had a major case of Impostor Syndrome. My thoughts were run-on lines of "What the Helium am I doing here? What happens if I break the baby?" And "Does the baby know I don't know what I'm doing?" Pretty soon I was stuck in my head (like for real FOR REAL).
Everything about myself felt like a lie and I started to doubt that the ME I thought I knew, ever even existed. I discovered how easy it is to hide behind the 'excuse' of mom-life madness and ditch our ambitions. It's kind of what the world expects of moms. Like we are saints if we choose to drop everything for our kids. That we will self-sacrifice, suffer in silence and that happily roll over and take whatever life throws at us.
I almost gave up on my ambition because it seemed more 'practical' to focus on other things but God used a coach (also a friend) to get me out of my feelings (at this point I was in so deep!) He made me rethink my business model and helped me see the best way to select clients that suit my lifestyle. Today, I write and guide others to tell their own stories. I'm a happier woman because of it. And when mommy's happy, everyone's happy!
Now I can smile (a real smile) and make funny faces with my kids. I feel like I'm giving them the kind of education they're not going to get at school. They see what its it's like to work, design storyboards and speak with potential clients. They watch me stay up on some days to prep for projects and they join me in my victory praise dance when I'm done. I know that it's prepping them for the future too. There is nothing noble about making our kids the reason why our dreams wilt and die.
"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."
This verse - Jeremiah 29:11 is irrefutable proof that dead dreams have no place in our future. Looks like the lord wants us to gettt ittt!
Have a wonderful 2019.
Biodun Dapherede is a mom, kingdom daughter and author of Lead Me Past These Lies https://amzn.to/2JTfO3E . She writes about work, mom-life and drinking Jesus tea at eatprayoverachieve.com and on her IG handles @eatprayoverachieve & @Biodundapherede